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How is Parenting Adopted Children Unique?

Adoption blog photo 1.jpgToday’s blog comes from Allen Sabey, PhD, LMFT, in recognition of National Adoption Awareness Month.

Parenting adopted children can be uniquely challenging. One such challenge that adopted children often face is forming a secure attachment with their new parent(s). Basically, a secure attachment is a reliable emotional bond or trusting relationship between a child and a parent. For example, securely attached children feel more comfortable going to parents to receive comfort when distressed. As a result of inconsistent caregivers in the past, adopted children may struggle to trust a new parent and turn to them for comfort. Fortunately, adoptive parents can take proven steps to ensure their adopted child will form this important secure attachment relationship with them.

First, adopted children may need extra portions of love and understanding. Parents should frequently show and express their love to their adopted child in ways that are meaningful to their child. For example, parents should regularly play with their younger children. In addition, some adopted children struggle with feeling unwanted or confused about their potentially new culture. It is helpful when parents simply express understanding and acceptance of these feelings.

Second, adoptive parents need to maintain firm expectations for their adopted children. Perhaps because of the prior difficulties faced by the child, parents may feel the need to overcompensate and not enact the same structure and discipline as with other children. However, all children, no matter their backgrounds, need a strong sense of structure and firm expectations to thrive.

Lastly, adoptive parents may need to have an extra measure of patience as their adopted child slowly learns that they can trust them. Adopted children are sometimes more resistant to affection or reluctant to open up to their new parents at first and so time is a necessary ingredient.

In sum, as adoptive parents consistently and frequently show love, express understanding, and firmly provide structure, a secure bond will form over time and their adopted children will come to trust them and feel emotionally safe.

Allen Sabey, PhD, LMFT, is the John J. B. Morgan Postdoctoral Clinical Research Fellow at The Family Institute. Some of his specialties include adoption, child behavioral problems, couple conflict and communication, and divorce/marital separation. He also maintains an active program of research that is aimed at understanding how and why family members provide care and support for one another, especially in times of distress.

The Family Institute offers affordable, effective mental health counseling for families, couples and individuals in Evanston, Chicago, Northbrook and Westchester. Learn more about our Adoptive Families Program. Visit our website to learn more about our services. 


Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood: Staying Connected with Your Partner

Announcing our newest program, The Transitions to Parenthood, and an exciting blog series, Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood!

The Family InsHolding Handstitute is launching a new program designed to support mothers, fathers, couples and families in the wonderful and overwhelming journey to becoming parents, and the numerous life transitions that come along with this major life change. As part of the launch of the Transitions to Parenthood program, we will be posting a series of blogs on issues encountered by modern parents. Some, of course, are as old as time while others are a function of our current cultural, social and technological climate.

We hope this series provides food for thought, validates what you are going through, and gives you some ideas for working with your experiences.

Today, Nikki Lively, LCSW, Coordinator of the Transitions to Parenthood Program, answers the question, Can the ancient practice of mindfulness help modern couples as they become parents?

One of my clients recently had a baby, and a few months ago she said something to the effect of, “My husband and I are really trying, but even so, it’s really hard to know what’s going on with each other! How on earth do couples stay connected after having a baby?”

Such a great question! That sense of not really knowing what’s going on with your partner is one of the main things that can drive disconnection in the immediate months and years after a baby enters a family.

Becoming a parent is such a massive life change for each person that it will predictably bring up a flood of new and intense emotions, new types of thoughts, and new desires or wishes — though you certainly cannot predict what this new stream of experiences will be. And if all that new stuff is going on inside, you can bet that both people start acting differently — perhaps strangely — on the outside. This is where the lessons of mindfulness can be helpful.

Having our beloved start to act in ways that we don’t understand tends to trigger negative judgments and reactions in us. If it were a mathematical formula, it would be: Confusion + Lack of sleep + Overwhelm = Judgmental Reactivity. This is definitely not a formula that keeps couples connected and close, which is a shame since this is a time when everyone needs support more than ever.

So how can mindfulness help at a time like this? If you are like most people, you’ve seen the word “mindful” everywhere. It has saturated many self-help books and magazines but it may not be a meaningful word to many people or is something that seems outside their reach or not very practical for day-to-day life. However, if we think about “mindfulness” as simply learning how to flex a muscle — our brain– to create a different formula — Awareness + Pause + Curiosity = Mindfulness/Connection — then this can be incredibly helpful for new parents. Add to this formula that recent research found that “one mindful breath” — the equivalent of a 6 second practice — has the potential to improve empathy and communication, and we have a winning equation to help new parents stay connected! (Read more on this research.)

Here are a few tips for using the practice of one mindful breath in communication.

  • Build awareness of your “go-to” thought patterns when you are overwhelmed. For example, do you tend to assume negative intentions? Is it hard for you to ask for help so you think angry thoughts when you aren’t getting the help you need?
  • Learn to “see” these judgmental thoughts as an alarm waking you up to a need (for example, needing help, needing to understand, needing to feel understood, etc.).
  • Here is the most important tip: Pause before doing or saying anything! (Breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly.) The slow, mindful, 6 second breath should build this in, and take more if needed!
  • Commit to Rather than assume you know what is going on, assume you have no idea what is going on with your partner
  • Commit to self-expression and loving inquiry. (i.e. “Hey honey, I am feeling really upset right now and trying to slow myself down so I don’t make any assumptions. I noticed you didn’t buy milk on the way home and we really need some. Did something happen?”)

Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you will inevitably make mistakes and get derailed as you try these mindful communication practices. If you find that you and your partner need more support, couples therapy is an excellent resource to use early and often. (BTW, this is a great practice for dealing with infants and toddlers, too.)

Let us know how the practice is going for you. Email us your questions and comments at

For more information about The Transitions to Parenthood program or to reach our team, visit our website, email us at or call 847-733-4300, ext. 899.

Be sure to follow TFI Talks to read upcoming blogs on the topic of Transitions to Parenthood!

The Family Institute offers affordable, effective mental health counseling for families, couples and individuals in Evanston, Chicago, Northbrook and Westchester. Learn more about our services on our website.

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